the battle
her skin is not thin
she will give you that grin
but the thoughts within
well, they are full of sin
her mind left crawling
her heart is still falling
darkness comes calling
she answers it stalling
angels come again
soaring without a sin
fighting to begin
swords raised shout an amen
dancing, swirls, hissing
noises, grunts, love missing
flying, dark rising
spying, dark arriving
it’s there she gives in
darkness is now her twin
darkness in those men
comes, calls, stares, wins
again
there
right there
she is
gone now
then here again
safe
safe there
she is
there now
and back again
smile
smile there
she does
smile here
and cry again
break
break down
she did
he’s out
he’s out again
Here We Go Again
Hey there! I’m back. Did you miss me? Probably not. Lol. Oh well. The point of this blog is having a place for myself to express myself anyway. Well, things are getting interesting again so I thought I’d take the time to write about it.
As you can tell my last entry was back in February of 2011. That’s when everything got screwed up. Actually, it got pretty screwed up a few weeks before then. My therapist at that time sent me off to Timberlawn in Texas. I was supposed to stay there for two weeks because I was not doing so great. I made too many threats to harm myself and others by that time. There was no turning back at that point.
So, I went to Texas and stayed for a week. That was plenty long enough for me. I’ll just leave it at that. While I was there my therapist decided to let me know she was ending it with me. Just like that. We had worked together for two years. I trusted her. She broke my heart really. She had told me over and over that she would never leave and that she loved me. She obviously crossed some boundaries with that but I was so needy that I clung to it. Well, I was obviously clinging to the wrong person.
After that nonsense I decided to go without a therapist completely and totally deny that DID even existed. I think that lasted for about a year. I then searched for someone new because times where getting a little tough for me. I talked to a new therapist and told her that I did not, in fact, have DID and I obviously did not want to talk about that or anything from my childhood. I thought opening up to those things would completely ruin what little sanity I had at that time. The new therapist was sweet. She let me live in my fantasy world but soon I discovered there was not much else to talk about. Sure there were a myriad of problems I was having in my family life and with trusting others, but since there wasn’t much to talk about, and since I was denying the truth, I quit.
I went without a therapist for another year or so. Still denying DID. It wasn’t too bad. I was doing pretty good actually but found there were a few things I wanted to work on with a therapist like depression and anxiety. So a few months ago I restarted therapy. I tried going back to my last therapist – the one who was sweet and let me live in a fantasy world, haha – but she said she was booked full and referred me to a coworker in her office. I’ve been going there for a few months now…..and can you imagine I told the new therapist the same thing. I don’t have DID. She doesn’t specialize in it anyway so why would I bother even thinking about it.
That lasted until just last Monday. And since then I have begun to believe maybe I do have DID. I believe I came to the conclusion during our last session that I could admit to having it, but couldn’t yet accept it. It has left me in a state of despair and hopelessness. The dark thoughts have returned and I’m not sure which way I will go from here. Why does it bother me so much? Why does having DID have to be such a horrible thing? I wish I knew the answer to that question.
broken
beginning to trust
beginning to hope
the thread bare heart
that barely could cope
told all the stories
told all the shame
held onto a hand
and self did blame
learning to love
learning to grow
listening to parts
to make her whole
for years she tried
for years she cried
when trust defied
left her broken
broken in heart
broken in spirit
the lost boys inside
they’ll never regret it
for broken hearts
and broken spirits
turn into tough little parts
that love and live it
breaking a heart
isn’t so bad
leaving us all
isn’t so sad
for we are stronger than you
and a bit braver too
starting brand new
broken
lost
lost for so long
can’t find my way home
can’t see through this darkness
can’t see through this pain
home is just a memory
i’ve created for myself
it’s just a place for lost love
i will never ever gain
so how can i find safety
for the little girl inside
who can she whisper to
who will hold her tight
she needs a friend or two
someone to hold her hand
a friend who will listen
someone to make it right
lost for so long
are many others inside
they gather round now
and see what strength is there
the only one who will listen
the only one who will care
lies within and among them
when their love they all share
gathering ever stronger
listening for more to come
with open arms they welcome
with open arms they adore
the circle is now wider
the little girl is there
with all her friends around her
she is home – lost no more
Still Here
Yes, I’m still here. I have been doing a great job of ignoring my DID and pushing it all aside. I wish I knew how to do this the right way. I mean, how do you actually set aside time every single day to check in with your alters and not feel crazy? Guess I’m not accepting myself lately.
I am down to seeing my T once a week now because it is costing so much and my hubby thinks we can’t afford it. I wonder how we can afford to not see T twice a week without going insane, but that’s just me. Maybe I’m wrong.
I have been keeping myself pretty busy lately with volunteer work and being a part-time college student. I’m still bored though and want to go to school full-time next quarter. However, both my hubby and T say it’s a bad idea. Well, I don’t think they know what they are talking about to be honest. I think I will do just fine with all the extra “stress”.
Anyway, my T wants me to check in with my alters every day and have some sort of meeting with them. Then I’m supposed to let them take turns talking. Darn, it is hard! Why would something that sounds so simple be so complex? Anyone have tips? I’m open to any advice!
Deliverance
screaming inside
the demons hide
don’t speak, don’t tell
they chant their spell
a fear is found
for death unbound
your life will end
this lie they spin
inside we cry
outside we try
to find a way
for life to stay
praying for peace
for love unleashed
we hope this time
to hide this crime
demons arise
anger strives
when tongues above
profess his love
screaming again
unending sin
you did your part
to make this start
the tongues lash out
in angered shouts
you are his own
let it be known
tears fall anew
words are found few
still there we hide
alters inside
Reaching
brave and strong
she reaches out
into the night
that is my soul
there she finds
the silence
the anger
not told
still she reaches
until whispers
and whimpers
become one
one small cry
rises in the night
reaching back
to fight for life
Graditude
I was given an assignment yesterday by my T. It was to let each alter tell what/who they are grateful for on a daily basis. So, I decided that I would list them here starting today.
Tiffany – stuffed animals
Suzi – a nice, warm bed to snuggle in
Rachel – computers
Sam – all my friends inside
Lucy – McDonald’s
Tom – Korn
Kay – family
Parts In Pieces 